Political humor

Jay Leno: "This Sunday, Halloween, the scariest day of the year, unless you're a Democrat. Then, that would be next Tuesday."

George Lopez: "President Obama is actually starting to lose the support of black voters. It is getting so bad, they said by the time the election rolls around, he might not even vote for himself."

George Lopez: "It's unbelievable. Even Michelle Obama's mom...pulled her aside in the White House and said, 'Girl, you can do better than that.'"

(By the way, President Obama is appearing tonight on 'The Daily Show With Jon Stewart'.)


Source: U.S. News & World Report

Political humor

Jay Leno: "Yesterday, the Super Bowl champion New Orleans Saints visited the White House. .. Well, there's a switch, huh? People from New Orleans visiting a disaster area in Washington."

Jay Leno: "Reggie Bush and the entire team were there. It was like the old days. You had a mess in New Orleans, the economy in a recession, and a Bush in the White House."

Jimmy Fallon: "The 'Wall Street Journal' says there's a movement growing to replace Joe Biden with Hillary Clinton on the Democratic ticket in 2012. ... In response, Hillary said, 'Come on, that is just silly. Make it so.'"


Source: U.S. News & World Report

Political humor

Jay Leno: "Vice President Joe Biden has declared that the heavy lifting is over for the year. And it's time to begin campaigning and talking about all the White House accomplishments. ... The heavy lifting might be over, but it sounds like the heavy shoveling, just beginning, ladies and gentlemen."

Jay Leno: "A website called WikiLeaks has posted 90,000 classified military documents about the war in Afghanistan. It's a huge deal. And the Pentagon is outraged. The White House is furious. And of course, British Petroleum, relieved. 'Finally, a leak that has nothing to do with us.'"

Jay Leno: "President Obama and his family have planned a vacation to the Gulf Coast of Florida on August 14th. ... I guess after looking at those poll numbers, he wants to look at retirement villages."


Source: U.S. News & World Report

Political humor

Jay Leno: "The bad news for McChrystal is he got fired for insulting the President. But the good news is, Fox said, 'We'll hire him.'"

Jon Stewart: McChrystal was removed "all because of one, month-long error in judgment, where he seemingly moved in with a dirty 'Rolling Stone' hippie."

Jay Leno: "Hey, [last week] was the 38th anniversary of the Watergate break-in," when "Republicans broke into Democratic headquarters, looking for their long-term plans and strategies. It...marked the last time anyone thought the Democrats had a plan worth stealing."


Source: U.S. News & World Report

Political humor

Jay Leno: "Hey, great news. They made an arrest in that failed Times Square bombing attempt. ... It turns out the suspect is a foreign-born, naturalized American citizen. You know what that means? He would have been fine in Arizona."

Jay Leno: "His name is Faisal Shahzad. ... What, is Snoop Dogg naming terrorists now? ... They're still looking for his brother, Fo Shizzle. They don't know where he is."

Jay Leno: "Well, here's something kind of embarrassing. The government has called off the Safety Awards for Excellence ceremony that was supposed to take place this week, in honor of outstanding safety and pollution prevention. And British Petroleum, the one that was responsible for the big oil spill in the Gulf, was one of the three finalists for the award. ... I believe the other two were China and the volcano in Iceland."

David Letterman: "Yeah, they plucked a guy off a plane. His name is Faisel Shahzad. They say he was a moody loner. Last year, he vacationed in the tribal regions of Pakistan. Well, no red flags there."


Source: U.S. News & World Report

Political humor

Jay Leno: "Well, President Obama signed the landmark healthcare reform bill into law, or as President Obama refers to it, 'The Rush Limbaugh Deportation Act.'"

Jay Leno: "I'll tell you how excited the President is. Today, he changed his slogan from 'Yes we can,' to 'Yes we finally did something.'"

Jay Leno: "Of course, the White House is now denying it made any side deals with members of Congress to pass this bill. See, I don't know if that's true. Did you see Mount Rushmore today? They're adding Dennis Kucinich's face to it."

Jimmy Kimmel: "President Obama won one of the great – they're calling it – the 'great legislative victories of the last 50 years'. He won healthcare reform approval to extend coverage to millions of uninsured Americans, or as the Republicans are calling it, 'Armageddon.'"


Source: U.S. News & World Report

Political humor

Jay Leno: "There was a lawsuit to have 'In God We Trust' removed from our money. To give you an idea how bad the shape the dollar is in, you know who wanted 'In God We Trust' taken off? God."

Jay Leno: "President Obama announced ... that he has donated all his Nobel Peace Prize money to a charity that deals with those that have no hope -- the Democratic Party, I believe."


Source: U.S. News & World Report

Political humor

David Letterman: "John McCain knew it was Sarah Palin's birthday, and he did something very nice for her. He bought her a Toyota."

Jimmy Fallon: "Michelle Obama said that childhood obesity impacts national security because obesity is a common disqualifier for military service. That's great info for moms: 'Honey, you have two choices. You can eat that doughnut and play video games, or you can eat this salad and go to Iraq.'"


Source: U.S. News & World Report

Political humor

David Letterman: Top Ten Surprises In The $3.8 Trillion Federal Budget

10. Three point five trillion dollars given to committee fighting overspending.

9. President now has to pay $25 for each bag he brings aboard Air Force One.

8. Cut NASA budget so much, next mission is to New Haven, Connecticut.

7. Estimate does not include convenience fee of $3.95.

6. Government is raising the money by sending out a drunk Rip Torn to rob banks.

5. United States pays for Ahmadinejad's tan windbreakers.

4. It allocates five billion dollars for a giant wallet to hold all money.

3. Don't tell him, it's a surprise, but McCain's getting a new Craftmatic adjustable bed.

2. One billion dollars research grant to figure out what the hell iPad does.

1. The naked centerfold of senator-elect Scott Brown.

~ ~ ~

Jay Leno: "The Obama Administration has reversed itself and is now considering moving the trial of the 9/11 terrorists out of Manhattan after protests from Congress and the mayor of New York. ... See, they're going to do an off-Broadway version first, see if people like it. See, then if it does well, then they'll bring it into the city."



Source: U.S. News & World Report

Political humor

Jay Leno: "A lot of people don't like these airport body scanners. They say they don't like security officials seeing naked images of their bodies. Have you seen most Americans lately? It's no picnic for the security people either."

Jay Leno: "And on Friday, the White House announced that President Obama's State of the Union address scheduled for next month will not air on the same night as the premiere of 'Lost' on ABC. ... Well, they did that because they thought viewers might get confused. See, lost is also the State of the Union: Lost jobs; lost wages; lost houses; lost businesses. So, the two -- you can get them mixed up."


Source: U.S. News & World Report

Political humor

Jay Leno: "After it was announced that Senate Foreign Relations Chairman John Kerry may go to Iran, the mullahs denied him an entry visa. ... See, that's how international travel works. If your name is Senator John Kerry and you're a former candidate for President of the United States, your travel is limited. If your name is Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab, you stow a bomb in your underpants, you pay cash for a one-way ticket after your father called the embassy and said, 'My kid is an idiot,' ooh, you can go anywhere you want."


Source: U.S. News & World Report

Political humor

Jay Leno: "And the Golden Globe nominations came out yesterday. President Obama picked up a nomination for best Democrat acting like a Republican. So, congratulations."

Jay Leno: "And Citigroup announced it is paying taxpayers back the $20 billion in bailout money it took. Wells Fargo announced it's paying back $25 billion it borrowed. And Bank of America says they've paid back the $45 billion in taxpayer money they borrowed. So the good news is taxpayers got their money back from Wall Street. The bad news? Congress has it. ... You'll never see it again, okay? It is gone. It is gone forever."


Source: U.S. News & World Report

Political humor

David Letterman: "Big day for President Obama. He accepted his Nobel Prize today and then got right back to the business of running two wars."

Craig Ferguson: "The so-called public option died on the Senate floor today. It could have survived, but apparently it had a pre-existing condition."

Craig Ferguson: President Obama "accepted a Nobel Peace Prize in Norway. I don't want to say this Obama love is out of control, but his acceptance speech for the Nobel Prize just won a Pulitzer Prize, and his overall performance has just won an Oscar."

Conan O'Brien: "According to a new poll that just came out, 44 percent of Americans...wish President Bush were back in office." However, "it's only 20 percent if you exclude comedy writers."


Source: U.S. News & World Report

Political humor

George Lopez: "President Barack Obama has decided to send 30,000 troops to Afghanistan. ... Wasn't he against war at one point? I mean, it's like everybody who gets in the White House has to send troops somewhere to end a fight. For Obama, it was either Afghanistan or Tiger Woods' house, where there have been reports of a Swedish insurgent."


Source: U.S. News & World Report

Political humor

David Letterman: "You know, it's interesting what former presidents do when they leave office. George W. Bush is now working as a motivational speaker. ... And if you want to be motivated, who better to turn to than the guy who invaded the wrong country and started a depression?"

Jay Leno: "Lou Dobbs has quit CNN. And here's the weird part: He didn't want to quit, his work visa expired."

Stephen Colbert: "Harry Reid presented the Senate's version of the healthcare bill. It's 2,074 pages, in honor of the year in which they'll pass it."


Source: U.S. News & World Report

Political humor

David Letterman: "The health-care reform bill has passed by the House. Well, that was easy. And you know what that means, it's just one step away to being defeated by the Senate."

Jay Leno: "Now it gets tricky because the bill goes to the Senate, where Senator Lindsey Graham vowed it would be dead on arrival. That's what he said. In fact, right now, Graham is leading a Southern white coalition against the bill called the Graham Crackers."

Jay Leno: "It was reported today 237 members of Congress are millionaires. Almost half of Congress are millionaires. Isn't that unbelievable? So, apparently, Congress is pretty good at managing their own money, it's just our money they suck at managing."

Source: U.S. News and World Report

Political humor

Here are some gems from late-night comedians.

Conan O'Brien: "Did everyone see Brian Williams' special with President Obama that was on? Yeah? ... Anyway, there's this big NBC News special with Brian Williams, and in the special, President Obama showed Brian Williams what tricks his new puppy, Bo, could do. Isn't that cool? Yeah, in fact, Bo has already learned to sit up and beg for Federal bailout money."

David Letterman: "Think about this. Obama is in the Middle East trying to straighten out the world, trying to make things better than they were. And talk about pressure, talk about a guy who's being busy, talk about a guy, every move is being scrutinized. Meanwhile, on the other hand, you have John McCain. He's at a bakery waiting for his number to be called."

Jimmy Fallon: "President Obama used the word shukran, the Arabic word for thank you, in response to a compliment from the king today. The compliment, 'I appreciate that you didn't bring Joe Biden.'"


Source: U.S. News & World Report

Political humor

Comedian Jay Leno recently delivered these gems on his show:

The White House says as of now, it is not contained. It could continue to get worse. And they were just talking about Joe Biden.

A vacancy on the Supreme Court. This is something we haven't seen in awhile. Let's just hope the President is better at picking a justice than the justices were at picking a president.

As you may have heard, the White House has a brand-new puppy. I believe his name is Arlen Specter.

Source: U.S. News & World Report


Tags: Political Humor, Humor, Politics, Media by Sistrunk