Friday, September 01, 2006

Plutonians: It isn't over yet!


Union of Plutonic States contests Earthlings' demotion of its status. No retaliation planned, but planned aid may be delayed.

FRIGEON, August 24, 2006/Plutonic News via Deep Space Net/ -- /The High Council of the Union of Plutonic States notes with the greatest disappointment that the inhabitants of the third rock from the Sun, otherwise known as Earth, have unilaterally declared that Pluto is no longer a planet.

"It is very odd that a group of university professors a billion klurchniks from here would presume to change the status of our home planet" said High Council General Convener Blanpik Vogonj. "Nothing is any different here, in spite of their unfortunate action."

Other members of the High Council were less diplomatic in their comments.

"For heaven's sake, they don't even know what we look like," barked Council Under-Minion Tork Uwapht. "The most they've seen of us is a smudge from their Rubble [sic] Space Telescope. They haven't the foggiest idea what this place is like."

Large crowds of demonstrators were reported in several cities. The perseverance and dedication of the people was evident, given that with the atmosphere beginning to freeze, breathing outdoors can be painful. Demands for retaliation could be heard in some quarters, but most people expressed disappointment and surprise at the Earthlings' misunderstanding or reality. Convener Vogonj was quick to assure people that there would be no offensive against Earth.

"This is a time for pity and understanding, not anger." When pressed about potential future aid for Earth, though, the Convener was less serene.

"It's well-known that Earth is experiencing a severe global warming phenomenon that has the capability to do great harm to what is considered life on that planet. While Earth should solve this problem on its own, their leadership seems to have a hard time recognizing it, and by the time they do, it will probably be too late," noted his Generality.

Taking a sterner tone, he continued, "We had been considering offering them an interplanetary heat-pump system that would solve their warming problem, as well as give us a slightly milder winter. That doesn't seem workable now, because we're no longer a planet in their opinion. It will be sad to see them gradually heat up and drown, but that's their choice."

Some High Councilors were less disturbed by the news, while others were almost elated. Minion Toxbo Frmxi released a statement applauding the decision.

"All Plutonians should be relieved to hear that Earthlings don't think of us as a planet. Just look at what they've done to the other planets: Mercury and Venus have been spied upon; Jupiter and Saturn have had orbiting space machines taking photographs of everything, while Uranus and Neptune were nearly impacted by something whizzing past, cameras clicking the whole time. And Mars—it has been landed upon, penetrated, driven over, and even now has a swarm of satellites flying around it. They are as thick as mosquitoes in summertime, whatever summer is. We are fortunate to be saved from this fate."


(Thanks to and for sharing this gem!)

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Ian Lidster said...

That is excellent news, Deb. I wondered how the Plutonians were going to take it. I bet they're pissed at their demotion.


Deb S. said...

Ian: LOL! Perhaps opening up some diplomatic channels are in order. Are you up for a trip to the final frontier? We've got a ship that can transport you at warp 9. ;-)

Elizabeth said...


Did you ever see a Charlie Sheen movie called "The Arrival"? It's about aliens coming to earth and surreptitiously speeding up global warming, because they like a hot climate and they're planning to take over. One of them snaps at the Sheen character, "Well, if you can't take care of your planet, why shouldn't we have it?"

Deb S. said...

Good one, Elizabeth. Good one. :-)

rama said...

Hullo Deb! Are'nt your being "eartho-centric"? Might'nt the Plutonians be quite relieved to drop from earth's radar? And what do they refer to themselves as - Plutonians or something else altogether? :-) Best, rama

Hasan Mubarak said...

LOL!. That was hilarious, indeed... I just wondered how did Earthlings intercept their news broadcasts!

Shirazi said...

ama: You have to be eartho-centric for mother earth. No?

Nicey said Deb.

Rose said...

That is good to hear.

tin214 said...

That was funny. I was actaully planning to join the group and become a certified plutonian. These earthlings will get their trial sooner or later!!!

Deb S. said...

Rama: Good questions! Inquiring minds always want to know!

Hasan: I can't reveal that information for reasons of national and international security. ;-)

Shi and Rose: Thank you.

Deb S. said...

Tin: With private talks going on, let's hope Earthlings and Plutonians can work out an agreement and that Earth can save face. ;-)

Thanks for stopping by.